Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
