you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think I sprained my soul last night
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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