hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize