I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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