i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
