I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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