1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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