i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize