The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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