she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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