You're completely useless in the revolution.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish you could order shots online.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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