Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
