Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
