she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
