Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I need a burrito and a hug.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
