bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
