I wish I could teleport
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize