I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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