Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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