so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
