I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
