After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
