he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This house was built for laser tag.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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