You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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