John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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