Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
