when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize