it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
