Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
