Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize