I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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