i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
