She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
