How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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