I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
