I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
