Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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