Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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