I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
