I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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