Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
