im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
