ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
