i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
