Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
