you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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