Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I want a musical about memes.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
