Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
