Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude i'm inner monologue high
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Randomize
