be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
