I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
