3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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