im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
