You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
