wanna go halves on a baby?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize