Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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