im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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