Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
