"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
