I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
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