i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
