Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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