What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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