also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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