Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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