He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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