So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Still dying that you shit outside
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
