I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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