I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sext me about skeletons
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
