So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
