On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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